This is not meant to be the end all, be all guide for newcomers to BDSM. I gave this as a presentation because it allowed for an audience to ask me questions on concepts they were not familiar with. You'll note that there is no glossary, partly because that sounds boring to write, and partly because I hope it will encourage people to see the value in presenting this material in an arena where you can ask questions.

Feel free to use whatever you'd like from this page within the terms of the license. I think it's a good place to start for introducing people to BDSM and kink.

Many people will tell you that their way is the only way to do something. However, what works for you and your partner and is an acceptable level of risk for you both may be entirely different.

People may do things for a very good reason, a certain type of knot and rope may be the minimum combination required to safely suspend you or your partner. Before disregarding a certain practice out of cause consider spending the time figure out why it is that person's practice. Their receiving this information via telepathic link with the Marquis de Sade is different than 'If you don't do it this way you may go splat'

Another way to say this is not to expect perfection from yourself. If you're flogging someone and you wrap around their ribs on one or two strokes out of a hundred don't allow it to cloud the scene. If you're creating an engaging experience for you and your partner while staying in the boundaries of acceptable risk then what you're doing doesn't have to be exactly the same way you saw in class.

I asked Guy Baldwin for some advice he would pass along if he were giving this talk and that's what he came back with. Another way to put this would be, "If something doesn't feel right to you, don't do it".

You will learn more having a scene or observing a scene (not a demo) than sitting in a class type format. Demos have their place, demos can be very useful. Classes have their place, discussions can be very useful. Think of it this way: reading or watching porn is to having sex as attending classes or demos are to having a scene. Get out there and do it.

For many it's as simple as this, some part of BDSM gets them hot and bothered. Maybe it's being spanked or doing the spanking. Maybe rope, chain, collars, or other restraints. In one respect or another part of BDSM turns them on.

Similar to how a massage can release painful and stiff muscles, a scene can induce an emotional release. Consider this scenario: After the death of a loved one where you've suddenly inherited many responsibilities, you find yourself unable to express your sadness given all that you must accomplish. Some people use alcohol to get over this issue (Irish wake style), sometimes the physical experience of a scene and the power dynamic of not being in charge can make this same release possible.

I have seen people who have been victims of sexual assault and abuse use BDSM as a tool to reclaim their bodies or specific acts back from their attackers. Because they can have complete control over the scene and what occurs it allows the abused to reframe the action in their mind. Some kinksters may simply want to regain their agency in a life they feel is somewhat out of their control.

It can be as simple as this, some people are curious and decide quickly it's not for them, some people get hooked.

The show Wild Boyz that was on MTV for quite a while did a good job illustrating this point. Why would you put fire ants on your nipples? You know it's going to hurt.

Personally I like to tell this story: a cane gauntlet is a single file line of 10-20 hitters, each armed with a thin piece of rattan. The person walking the gauntlet walks to each hitter and allows them one stroke, as hard as the hitter wishes on the walker's body (typically butt or thighs). If the walker falls the hitters swing at the fallen walker until they are able to rise. Once the walker has completed the line front to back, then then walk the line again back to front. I walk cane gauntlets because I hate the sensation of being caned and because it's so unpleasent. For me it is a test of will power and my control over my own body

BDSM can be an expensive activity to engage in, as an example good violet wand toys start at $100. A really nice flogger may run $200. Kinksters can be really paranoid about their gear taking a walk. That latex body suit someone is wearing? Getting it snagged on a piece of your jewlery will ruin it if it tares.

The idea of person ownership is a relationship dynamic beyond the scope of this talk but it is common in the BDSM world. A submissive or a slave may have a very strict agreement with their dominant or master about how they can interact with others. In general it is a good rule not to touch someone you don't know without their consent but it's doubly important here.

Many people have a fantasy involving some type of sexual group dynamic, whether group sex or being flogged by several people at once. These types of scenes are typically carefully negotiated and what may appear to be a free-for-all is usually not. If more participants are desired someone will invite you in or the free-for-all nature will be made very clear.

A person wearing a collar may not be looking for your leash. It is considered very poor etiquette (and will typically result in you being asked to leave) should you approach a person you know or believe to be submissive and demand their submission without prior negotation or discussion. This is not to say that there are not environments where this is expected (i.e. a Goddess worship party) but the rules of that environment will be set out explicitly by the organizer. Any reasonable public play space will not have rules which force you into something.

There may be scenes or activities in BDSM that you do not care to watch for whatever reason, you are always free to not watch.

At the BDSM club in DC that I frequent there was a picture of a gentleman who was in a rope suspension. Attached to his testicles were weights of a few pounds each having the effect of stretching his testicles past what any one might consider comfortable. From the picture it was clear that this weight was in motion or swinging when the picture was taken. As the owner of testicles this was not something I would want to watch.

At some point most kinky people had a moment of doubt on whether their sexuality was normal or even sane. Be it the disapproval of a parent or the rejection of a lover it happens. This same thing happens to the LGBTQ community regardless of if they are kinky or not. Our alternative sexualities unify us as we have had similar struggles for acceptance both from within and outside ourselves.

If your motivation is to be accomidating and sincere any effort you make in this direction will be appreciated.

If someone is telling you how they experience something listen to them, they are the experts on themselves. Some may try to be polite and subtly correct your pronoun usage. Listening to someone rather than telling them how they feel or how they should feel will work wonders.

He or She are the most common, some prefer the gender neutral Tey/Zey. When in doubt just use their first name and skirt the issue until you can figure it out or they explicitly say what they prefer. It is unreasonable to expect perfection but it is reasonable to expect effort, correct yourself if you use the wrong pronoun, accept correction gracefully if you overlook it.

You may be interested in having a scene with someone who identifies as a type that is not compatible with you for purposes of fucking. That doesn't mean you can't have a fun scene. Almost every BDSM activity can be adapted so that one party doesn't have to take their pants off.

Not every social interaction can be salvaged. Despite you making an honest and sincere effort to be accomodating some people are just down right unreasonable jerks. This works from both sides, I've met folks who wanted nothing to do with me simply because I was not L, G, B, T or Q. I've also been a jerk to people who didn't deserve it.

I've seen it happen where person A will approach person B looking for a scene. Instead of saying "No thank you, I'm not interested" person B says something like "Well, maybe later". With the effect of person A continuing to ask for a scene the rest of the evening. This isn't fair to either party so own up to your feelings on the matter. If it truly is a "maybe later" type situation provide some context like "after my dinner has settled" or "once my partner gives the thumbs up".

When playing with someone new you must obtain explicit consent, there's no two ways about it. Rather than work through a laundry list of things like "I'd like to nibble your ear, is this ok?", "I'd like to nibble your neck, is this ok?", "I'd like to nibble your nipple, is this ok?" Have a conversation with everyone involved to better understand their boundaries. "I'd like to nibble and kiss you, where is that ok?" "Anywhere on my shoulders or above would be great"

In most if not all jurisdictions within the US you can not consent if you are not sober. Since negotiation is about determining what you will consent to, you can not do this while anything but sober. If the legal reasoning is not persuasive consider the simple fact that people are more likely to make bad decisions while they are intoxicated. Be sober.

Think of you and your scene play partners inside a large circle, you bring inside everything that you're ok with doing for that scene. Everything outside the circle is off limits.

Exclusive negotiation works just the opposite, you define only what you don't want to happen in a scene. This is most effective after you've established trust with this play partner and have had a few scenes. Otherwise you may get peed on.

No one needs a complete medical history for you to engage in most BDSM activities. Keep it to the point. Here is an example.

To little: My knee hurts sometimes

To much: I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type I which is a genetic bone disorder that makes my bones susceptible to fracture. In my life I have broken around 26 major bones, not counting fingers and toes. My left knee has had two major operations. First in 2001 I had a partial shatter of my patella as a result of a man-wrestling accident. In 2011 I broke my tibia and fibula and now have a titanium rod running the length of my tibia with 4 screws to anchor it. This means that when I travel TSA tends to single me out for a freedom fondle unless an xray machine is available, this makes me upset because ...

Relevant: My left knee isn't in the best shape, I can only kneel on padded surfaces and only for about 45m at a stretch.

You're in the middle of a hot scene, things are going really well and you feel like the two of you are writing a sonnet with the motions of your bodies. You look upon your play partner and realize that what would really hit the spot right now is if you could fuck this person. The clouds part, trumpets from above herald your decision and you know, deep in your loins, that this needs to happen.

The endorphins you experience from a good scene are similar to the endorphins you can get from a good run, also known as a "Runner's High". These neurochemicals can skew your judgement, similar to how someone might look much more attractive 5-6 beers into an evening. This is why it's generally a bad decision to negotiate for more once your scene has already started. You are always free to negotiate for less during a scene if things are not going as planned.

Similar to why you shouldn't go back to a stranger's apartment after just meeting them. If this is the first time you're playing with someone who you've just met strongly consider requiring that the scene take place in public so you have the benefit of DMs and other players should something go wrong.

Respectfully means you're standing far enough away from the scene not to be in it, usually ~15 feet and not directly in front or behind anyone in the scene. This also means keeping your voice down, not pointing and laughing or doing anything that might reasonably distract whoever is involved in the scene.

Someone may be observing your scene from across the play space which is fine. However, if they are furiously masturbating while watching your scene that may bother you and you could ask them to at least move out of your line of sight.

This should be pretty obvious.

Many events have playspaces devoted to people who identify a particular way: gay men, cisgender women, furries, etc. If the main playspace is not to your liking or comfort you should ask the DM if there are alternatives. If there are no alternatives speak to the event organizer about the possibility of designating space for the next event.

As with the medical advice in the negotiation section keep it relevant. If being called "Daddy" isn't something you enjoy then bringing that up in a AB/DL situation is relevant, in a flogging scene probably less so.

What needs to happen for them? What type of care do they need? Are you willing and able to provide that care or do you have to contact someone who is?

When someone is triggered it is likely that they are no longer in their right mind and as a result may not think to use their safeword. Having a good understanding of boundaries and behaviors of your partner is key. Asking questions like "How will I know if you are triggered" or "what if you start crying?" are good places to start this conversation if you think the scene is likely to trigger you.

There are lots of reasons to use a safeword to communicate to your partner that the action needs to stop. If you are having a muscle cramp or spasm unrelated to the stimulation being provided. Sometimes we under estimate the intensity of a certain activity and we simply don't wish to continue. Maybe you have a sudden urge to use the bathroom. Safewords can be used by anyone in the scene top or bottom!

Many players don't use safewords and instead rely on their language skills to provide direct feedback. Ex: My foot is falling asleep, I need more warmup before we use the single tail, I have to pee, etc.

BDSM activities can put you in an altered state of mind which can be quite enjoyable. Some feel that safewords are less likely to take them out of that head space because they're very simple to communicate.

This is also usually a check in word, a restraint may be too tight or you may have a wedgie and just need to talk with the top. Popular choises are "yellow", and "slow down".

This word indicates a full stop to the action and a discussion needs to occur if the scene is to continue. Popular choises are "red" and "safeword".

If you're using a gag or other anything that impedes a partner's ability to speak (or the top is hearing impaired) consider giving the bottom colored balls or hankies to drop as safeword indicators. This can also work if you are both ninjas or have taken a vow of silence.

Know the age of consent in your state. I think that 19 is the absolute youngest you'd want to play with someone regardless of the age of consent. Think of it this way, do you want your partner telling their High School friends about their experiences? My personal rule is to not play with anyone who isn't in their 20s.

Many play spaces do not allow you to play if you are intoxicated and for good reason, many of the activities involved with BDSM have the potential for serious or life threatening injury. It is not impossible to construct a scene that you could do safely while buzzed or having done poppers, however as one of your first scenes this is almost undoubtedly a bad idea.

The "old school" system for assessing risk or more specifically the suitability of a BDSM activity. Any BDSM activity must meet these three criteria to be suitable.

You'll note both of these axioms prominently feature the word "consent". This is the most important concept and BDSM afficianados talk about it until we are blue in the face beacuse it's so important. No scene can occur without the mutual consent of all involved.

Most problems can be solved prior to scenes even starting! If you think a scene has the potential to cause the DM or other players to feel uncomfortable simply chatting with the DM before your scene starts to inform them of your intentions will solve 90% of your problems. In my experience DMs are very willing to work with courteous players and can suggest substitutions or set clear limits. Ideally an informed DM will run interference for you with other players should the need arise.

An example: At FetFest 2013 I saw a very intense scene with two players using the outside dungeon. It was a cathartic scene of some variety that featured heavy play with a painful single tail. The goal of the scene was to free the bottom from an emotional burden they were carrying over what they saw as a previous transgression. It was negotiated between the two parties that she, the bottom, wished to suffer severely; and that she did. The scene culminated with her screaming that she was sorry and asking forgiveness while in serious agony. I'm no stranger to heavy scenes but had I happened across this without knowing it was pre-negotiated her screams would have motivated me into action as it did for the other 20 people standing around debating on an appropriate course of action. Because this couple discussed the scene with the DM staff prior to starting the DM ran interference with the crowd and the scene went on.

Simple and straight forward enough advice (I hope)

This will happen to everyone at least once if their playing career lasts long enough.

Personally I find it much more erotic and much stronger of a connection when someone knows and is using my actual name. Objectively speaking is it hotter to submit to some fantasy character of their creation or who they are? When I top someone it is me doing the topping not a figment of my imagination.

By in large I believe the het community missed the boat with the "out and proud" movement of the LGBT community. What we missed was that "out and proud" isn't just about being gay, it's a statement about our sexuality. To be "out of the closet" means to confront people with the reality that you are a sexual being and what you choose to do in your bedroom is as vital to who you are as what you do outside it. For more on this concept: Guy Baldwin's keynote at MsC 2013 and Hardy Haberman's Lavender mag interview.

I believe it is possible to construct a scenario where use of a scene name is in everyone's best interest. Some people are teachers, going through divorce and custody issues, may be involved with a particular religion, etc. People in the LGBT community have been in these positions and now it is largely acceptable to be a gay teacher, not have your kids taken away because you're transgendered, or to be gay clergy (admittedly, only in some religions). All this is due to people coming out and taking the fear away from it. Ultimately you must do what is authentic for you and right for your situation.

Dear God, if it sounds better in a game of Dungeons and Dragons, leave it there.

Clean may mean disinfected or sterile, or it could just mean I've given it a wipe down recently. If a toy is going to be coming into contact with more than just sweat I try to make sure it's disinfected, otherwise I give it a wipe down with a cleaning cloth between partners.

A lot depends on what kind of restraints you're using (if any). If you're doing rope, do you have enough and in the right lengths and coiled for quick use? If you're using leather or metal will your restraints fit correctly on the person?

I prefer restraints that lock because knots are complicated, if you're using locking restraints have you tested the keys you have on you to work in those restraints?

For cloth/frabic/plastic/rubber/latex/etc you're looking for paramedic or medical sheers. For metal you need bolt cutters. Event dungeons will typically have DMs with these tools. Play spaces / private dungeons may have them in a central safety location.

Have you wiped everything down? Will the equipment support the weights involved? Do you have a clear idea on how to use the equipment correctly?

When I'm doing a scene I tend to move around quite a bit to get even coverage over whatever area I'm working on. I like to have a good idea of my space limitations wherever I might stand. To figure this out I usually have the person I'm topping get on the equipment as they will be in the scene and then walk around to see what my space limitations are.

Many play spaces impose some kind of time limit on how long you can use a piece of furniture. You may want to have a way to tell time or have someone give you a heads up a set amount of time before you have to end. If you've been on a piece of equipment for 3 hours DMs will stop your scene and no one will blame them.

This seems trivial but allow me to explain with a story.

There was a scene happening once in the DC/MD/VA area, the couple had finished and the bottom was very deep into subspace and floating. Across the ceiling were several hardpoints that the bottom was secured to by way of chain to wrist restraints. Since the scene was over the top unshackled the bottom. The top realized that he had left the aftercare blanket across the home dungeon they were playing in. Hoping the bottom could retain their balance, he scampered across the dungeon to fetch the blanket. Unfortunately the worst happened, be bottom fell and face planted right onto the concrete floor. This is why I keep things within easy reach or have the bottom secured to something before I leave them unattended.

Getting messy is super fun, being unprepared for cleanup is not.

Nothing quite ruins the mood like needing to take an unscheduled bathroom trip, plan ahead. It's a good excuse to wash your damn hands.

If so what are the aspects of the fantasy that make it so hot for you and your partner? They may not be the same! Once you know this you can work on ways to bring these things out and really make the scene click. Maybe you'll need props and personas or even specific words or phrases. Ravishing someone in distress doesn't always require a puffy shirt and bodice, but maybe it does for you and your partner.

Sometimes not enjoying the experience is enjoyable in and of itself. Consider if you're going to get all the pain out of the way up front or work up to it. With punishment style scenes it's usually helpful to have a clear idea on what the person is being punished for and that the punishment is appropriate to the offense (reasonably). Getting scourged because you scuffed Mistress' boots will be excessive for most relationships. When topping someone in a punishment scene be very careful not to let anger cloud your judgement.

Are you trying to convince someone they like something when they may have reservations about it? That's super hot. Seduction and teasing are typically games of the mind. Don't fall into the trap of thinking of seduction as only consisting of extended warm up.

If so, pace yourself. If you or your partner are too over stimulated or exhausted after a scene to fuck that doesn't do anyone any good. If you are planning on incorporating sex, as always make sure you have all the supplies you need rather than scrambling to find them in the heat of the moment.

Sometimes my scenes are very dark and it is an intense emotional experience for everyone. Mostly I enjoy keeping things light and having fun with it. Not all scenes have to be about pushing someone's boundaries, sometimes you want to chase someone around with a riding crop because it's fun as hell.

There are 'scenes' that are for the purpose of trying out a new toy. How does this make the person receiving feel? What toy would they want this to be paired with? How does it make you feel? What sort of scene would you both like to involve this in? Are you having fun using it?

When playing anywhere I typically want to minimize outside distractions so I start trying to control the senses of the bottom as much as I can. Blindfolds are a personal favorite but some people are uncomfortable with this, so I have used sheer cloth or horse blinders as a compromise. In some scenes where D/s is an aspect requiring the bottom to keep their eyes shut can be a powerful tool. I usually like to have light music playing in the background of my scenes as well, music without lyrics and that isn't demanding of attention, light classical (without a recognizable theme), drum circle or belly dancing music have all worked well for me in the past. I make sure both of us are washed and not heavily perfumed and the area I'm playing in is clean and the trash has been taken out. I have some leather scented oil to warm in a brazier if I think the room needs a bit of freshening.

I don't know what kind of aches and pains a person might have but what I want is to focus their attention on their body. When I do spanking demos usually I say "I want to draw their brain down in to their butt". How their day went or how much their thighs hurt from their workout isn't something I want them dwelling on. To accomplish this I start applying sensation to the area I'm planning to work on, eventually the sensations will become intense enough as to totally focus the person's attention on to what you're doing. Once endorphins are going and the person is focused they can appreciate very intense stimulation they wouldn't be able to otherwise.

At any point in the scene when you're providing some time of stimulous to another person I always advise people to remember frequency and intensity, which can directly govern how intense the stimulation is. Simply put, frequency translates into how often you're applying the stimulous and how short the gaps are in between. Intensity translates into how hard you're hitting someone. So I may spank someone very quickly with light taps, or I might give them several heavy handed swings spaced far apart. When I increase both it becomes a new level of experience for the person.

Warmup has an aspect of reconnaissance to it. Paying attention to how a person's body reacts when they're processing a sensation can show you how to read them during a scene. This isn't always just visual observation, using your hands to feel when a muscle tenses or listening for a gasp and to their breathing patterns are all invaluable. Once you've figured out how to read your partner you can control their experience much more adeptly. One single tail whip afficianado I know pays strict enough attention to his bottoms to observe when the pores of their skin open during a scene.

A scene can be a physical an emotional workout. Treat it like exactly that! I have a blanket for people lie down on or cuddle with. Fluids to replace any they may have lost. A simple sugar to get their blood sugar back up. And solid protein to prevent another crash once the sugar wares off. Blanket or towel, gatorade (or water and an orange) and some beef jerky. Usually people will need a while to collect themselves before they're ready to rejoin the rest of upright society.

If you're going to engage in a scene and you have very specific needs then you need to be upfront about them with your partner.

Your aftercare requirements may be a deal breaker for your partner and that's ok. If someone isn't willing or able to meet your needs, find someone who can.

If you know that you need to be cuddled for 90 minutes and fed extra dark chocolate after a scene, consider bringing someone who will provide those things to you! This greatly increases the number of potential play partners you can have if you can help to meet your own needs.

Tend to be underated because they're not about how to throw a whip better or give someone a squirty orgasm. Aftercare is likely to be important in someone's decision to play with you again, so give it some thought. Aftercare classes are a great way to brain storm and get different perspectives on what people need and want.

Like unicorns, they're both a fucking fantasy. Practically speaking this means that the person proclaiming they are (and usually you are not) a "True" something, has some very specific ideas and fantasies about these roles. And to them those roles can only look like their rigid set of criteria. Who. Gives. A. Toss. If you're not trying to sleep with the person espousing this, I would encourage you to ignore it. There are no universal set of standards or behaviors by which the BDSM world determines if someone fits in a specific role. More on this later.

A typical narrative includes: the house existing for hundreds of years, secret societies, the person was last to be trained by the old masters, kept in "complete" slavery or bondage, was a "true" submissive (see the cross over?), etc. Usually this is a symptom of being too attached to The Story of O. Here are some easy bullshit detection questions you can pose to this person: What was the address of where you were kept? What area of the country was it in? Can you speak the language of that country fluently? Do you have any type of cooborating evidence such as plane tickets, passport stamps, photos?

Some may say "I don't have that evidence because I was kept in confinement". Well, we know what happens when you keep people in involuntary confinement for years and years, they break as people. They develop severe psycopathologies and/or they lose their ability to be social with other humans.

To be clear, the "Old Guard" did exist but not as any kind of unified group. Generally the term "Old Guard" is used to describe gay men who were involved in BDSM activities via their motorcycle clubs post World War II and before 1970. It's useful to describe a generation of kinksters rather than a group with specific goals.

That there was no secret council of elders is difficult to disprove (proving a negative being impossible). Partly this is due to there not being very many gay men that old, due to old age and AIDS. Though we can say it was highly unlikely because bikers are not typically the organization / secret society joining type. Joining a biker gang is not about setting up some council to tell other people what to do. Further, no one has produced any compelling evidence to affirm this claim, secret societies not being the type to take meeting minutes it would seem.

It is true that some clubs had their own traditions, rules and regulations which governed their club. Some of these traditions, rules and regulations were similar between different clubs because most of these guys were veterans and had a lot of shared experiences. This does not mean that a unifying ruleset was in place.

People crave tradition and that's ok. Don't be afraid to start your own tradition to meet your needs. Don't invent a fantasy to affirm your actions. For more on this discussion see the Leatherati Town Hall meeting on The Leatherman's Protocol Handbook.

The thinking goes that when communicating in writing with those who identify as some part of the power dynamic spectrum you must capitalize all nouns/pronouns for dominants and use lower case for submissives. As an example:

Mistress Megan and Master Mike went out for brunch, They had a great time. Later they were joined by slave steven and sub suzy who were busy doing chores. Once the group was together T\they had a wonderful outing by the lake. Where they fed ducks and pondered the meaning of power dynamic relationships.

Anyone who insists on doing this is usually spending too much time on the internet. Likewise if you notice people referring to themselves in the third person, encouraging their submissives to over use the dominant's honorific ("Master must get what Master wants") and so forth are usually warning signs.

Meaning the submissive is collared on the internet which TRANSCENDS the limitations of your meat centered reality, plebian. Used by people who only engage in BDSM or M/s on the internet. Which is to say, people who do not engage in BDSM or M/s.